Sometimes I can be impulsive, this is why I married someone who counteracts this tendency and or keeps me on a semi strait line...sort of.
The decision was simple, sitting on the couch crying about recent events (there has been many tears and I don't think they are done yet) all of a sudden I had this idea. The only thing from our girls we were their feet prints which made sense that I would get them tattooed on me. At first I wanted their little feet on the bottom of my feet. This kind of tattoo is possible but requires above average maintenance as the skin on the bottom of your feet is different like the palms of your hands. The idea of walk their feet off of my feet made me sad...because anything can make me sad at the moment so I took the advice of the tattoo artist and went with the top of my feet.
Getting a tattoo of any kind for me holds meaning. My first tattoo ever was a feather on my back designed by my dad at my request for my 18th birthday because he didn't like the idea of me having a tattoo. When I know what I want there is no stopping me from getting it but these little feet were different. Until this point I had only had symbols or quotes tattooed on me that held meaning and now without a second thought I was going to have these little feet prints of my daughters tattooed on top of my feet.
the artist was amazing, she put up with the crap scan I brought in because I should have known better and asked my husband to remove the pink back ground of the card the feet were stamped on. Not to mention my impulsiveness of knowing it would work out and my husbands nervousness of thinking I was rushing into this tattoo but the artist understood, she saw how much it meant to both of us and worked with us every step of the way to make sure they were the actual size and had the unique characteristic of each foot print.
It wasn't until the next morning looking at the little toes on my feet that I started to break down. When I was a little girl I would stand in my dad's feet as he would stomp around the house pretending we were a monster. It hurts to know I will never be able to physically do this with my own daughters but their little feet tattooed on my feet provides an odd comfort.
As time passes I have broken down this loss and rationalized it as much as possible but my mind keeps getting stuck on the thoughts I had for the future that now will not happen for my little beasties. Obviously this makes me cry a little sometimes and a lot other times.
I think about a different future now. A future where maybe we do end up having a successful pregnancy where I am explaining to a little person the meaning of the feet marks on my feet and of the sisters they will never meet. Or there is the other possibility the my body becomes a memorial for all the little ones lost. Then my thoughts begin to spiral with the thought of being preagant again and if it is a single pregnancy it makes me sad to think of how alone that little one will be but if it is a multiple pregnancy how could I survive outside of the world of panic and upset as if buckling into a roller coaster ride if am terrified of. Like I said, my thoughts spiral.
Everthing I write here I have already said to my husband. He is the one who holds me tight as my mind explores the rabbit holes of possibilities as I try to think of every potential outcome and it's probability. Putting the words up here just helps wth getting the crazy out.
So here I am, thinking about new futures while honoring the little ones that took a step to the left and are no longer apart of my path but forever apart of my heart.