Little over a month ago I wrote a post that I didn't put up titled "Wasn't This Supposed To Be Fun". In the post I document where I was in my pregnancy and everything we had already gone through in regards to scans and tests and waiting on results. I felt back from publishing it because I was afraid of telling people I was preagant and then miscarrying.
I find I am stuck on the reality that "I was pregnant." Miscarriage is a common thing that most people do not talk about and those that do typically experienced it later in the pregnancy which carries it's own unique emotional scars for everyone. Where I am most stuck is in the fact that my body had not caught on to the loss of life that had occurred but somewhere in the back of my mind I was acknowledging it before the anatomy scan in strange comments to people. I then think about everything that could have gone wrong and how it was my fault but I will wait until my appointment in May before assigning all the blame to me.
Truthfully I am lonely, for 5 months I would read weekly update on their growth progress and fret over the fact that all I wanted to eat was olives and milk with grapefruit and what kind of messed up taste preferences it was creating for them. I would talk to them and sing to them, I would rub my belly somethings feeling more connected to the little beasties. It sounds insain but suffering through the morning sickness had become a sign of life, I feel dumb for thinking that when it was easing up in that last week before the scan that I thought it was because my body was moving into the next stages of pregnancy. There are a lot of little thoughts like that in the back of my mind and once I start thinking about them I spiral.... But isn't that normal?
So now what?
I have read all the pamphlets on loss and followed the Google rabbit hole. I wanted to go back to work this week but there were concerns about me taking enough time off. It is amazing to have an employer who is willing to let me have whatever time I need but what good does it do me to sit in an empty house by myself? Logical question, but the problem that I need to come to terms with is that I need to learn to be alone. I may have only been pregnant for 5 months but I had built up a life time of expectations of having two kids running around me for the next ten years or until they decided to disown me and now I can't even be left alone in the house for a week because the thought of being with myself is terrifying. I am functional, I am logical and I could make it through work with minimal tears and get on with life, but what good will it do in the end trying to put on a brave face for myself.
I might look tougher but my husband is the strong one. In the past week and a half he has been at home with me, ready with open arms every time I have a break down. He tells me it is okay and I believe him because his words hold love and comfort. He would have made an amazing dad and hopefully will someday, but that thought breaks my heart and I have started crying again.
So what now?
Now I sit here with a few tears rolling down my cheeks thinking about the future. We want children but could I survive this happening again, could he? People have been making comments that even with the loss out our little girls we are still parents, I don't know why but this bothers me. I was never called mommy by my child so do I have the right to say I was a mother? Right now my heart says no, I was a woman who was preagant who miscarried at 19 weeks and even though I call them my daughters it only feels right because I am able to speak the words aloud.
So what now?