Am I Doing This Right?

Am I doing this right? What happened anyway you look at it was a big life event but my brain keeps flipping the switch between being functional or about to cry. The sensation of crying is now at the point that is feels like the sensation to sneeze where my body and brain prep itself for the momentary outburst.

What happened to me was called a missed miscarriage, the fetus no longer had heart beats but my body had not clued in. This kind of miscarriage so late the in pregnancy is not terribly common, however if you Google it you will be amazed at the number woman who can speak to having to happen to them. The internet has a strange way of making something rare feel like it is everywhere, but that is because it is an outlet.

                I am not certain that I am grieving properly... I know there is no right or wrong way but I feel I am being treated as if I am a tea cup with a chip in it that no one is quite sure if it will fully crack if the water is poured too hot. I am told I am brave when I speak out about what has happened. As a griever I am a doer, I need to have my hands busy so that while I am thinking of what I am upset about I am also in motion.  This can come off as being emotionless or as if I am cutting people out but in this instance other then my husband's emotions I don't care about anyone else. This can sounds harsh but this loss is not a everyday loss. We are born to die, it is inevitable. My little ones skipped a step and now I suffer with the loss. I sometimes wish I could allow others inbut I am not here to support them in their grieving this time.

                Subsequently due to  my current state I have been able to stand back in the moment of condolence and acknowledge that some things should just never be said. In these instances a simple hug and an admission that you do not know what to say is much better than just speaking.

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                I miss the little flutters in my belly from my little girls rolling awkwardly over each other, but I sit here cognisant of the unknown thinking "what if this was for the best?". We will not received the finale results from the amnio until May 25th where we will find out if there were any identifiable genetic defects that would have caused termination. There are so many other what ifs that there might not be any answer for but was it better that I lost them now then to lose them after birth? This is a very selfish comment to make but the thought of bringing such innocent life into the world only to have it suffer on its way out hurts just a little more. But then am I fantasising  the idea that they gently slipped away while inside of me, that they felt no pain? But what if there was nothing genetically wrong with them and in fact I did lose them because of cord compression, a risk of my little ones being MoMo twins. Then comes the big, what if I lost them because I decided to do the amnio testing. So many 'what ifs' that I messaged my husband this week asking him if I was a monster because I couldn't keep them alive. This is why the will be my last post until the 25th and the doctors have tried to explain the most probable cause and I can close the door of the these questions.

                 

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