Today was the last appointment where the doctors will ever talk about our little girls.
This appointment was meant to happen on May 25th but was pushed back. It was a long weekend that week and the clinic is always extra busy and it made sense. Even though they did this for my feelings it hurt me. Since the day after the loss when I had called to make this appointment 6 weeks in advance I had been preparing myself to hear the reason why I lost our little ones. During those weeks my emotions have moved in and out like the tide, moments of true upset where everything that happened was because I was not a good enough person to deserve them, to being at peace knowing they will always have each other. Then add on top of that all the love shown to Merritt and I. The love still makes me cry the most.
We arrived to the clinic much earlier than we needed, we still haven’t really figured out travel times from our new place. The clinic was quiet, they do this on purpose, having women who have had a miscarriage come first thing in the morning to avoid the potential upset. I thought I could handle this appointment, I had managed to hold myself together the week before, we had gone to the Antenatal unit to deliver ‘Thank You’ cookies and cards to the nurses, and other staff who were apart of the delivery. They as individuals have lived through people's worst days and still come back every day wanting to help more and the least I could do was thank them. It was different though, arriving at the clinic and sitting in the waiting room thinking about all the thoughts I had had when at our first appointment, knowing our girls were high risk but for some reason I like a child believed that because I was seeing a specialist all would be alright. I made it into the actual exam room before I broke down.
The checkup was quick but felt long. We met with our nurse who had been with us since week 12. She asked how I was doing mentally and physically, how Merritt and I were doing. This appointment was marked by me as a final milestone in healing, the moment where we would learn as much as we possibly could and one way or the other find comfort in the information given. Once we were done with the nurse we were moved on to meet with the doctor. The apologies for our loss is how we are greeted by those who know but have not seen us since before the miscarriage, the doctor was no different. This is when we are told that our amnio results showed two perfect little girls. The doctor explain that the above average nuchal translucency, that was the reason for being sent to the clinic, was most likely due to the one twin supporting the other or a crossed vein between the umbilical cords. He also tells us that without having done an autopsy of the girls to rule out heart defect that the cause of miscarriage was due to them being Monochorionic Monoamniotic twins with evidence of cord entanglement. We lost them for the reason that made them high risk. Out of all the upset there is this moment of ‘okay’, followed by finally letting go of every thought I had running through my mind for the last 6 weeks.
To my beasties,
You are so loved my little ones. I think of you every time I touch my belly knowing you are no longer there. I think of you when I pass the room that sits empty because it was meant to yours. I think of you every time I sing because those songs are meant for you. All I got to keep that was truly yours were your footprints that now sit on my feet so you can walk with me. My dear sweet little ones, you have touched so many hearts.. I will never get to see you run through the grass chasing each other or hear your laughter as you run through the house, but I hear you in my heart and it is beautiful.
Love you always